I'm experiencing the hardest part so far, I think. At this point I'm 8 treatments in, with 4 to go, and I definitely feel it. This is the slog. Very low energy, sleeping a lot, stomach problems, headaches and constant nosebleeds are my daily deal. And just like the oncologist predicted, the medication that causes a screeching halt in new cell production also kills things we'd rather have left be.... so what that really means is I've fallen straight off a steep cliff and slammed head first into sudden menopause. Well, maybe it was face-first, if all the zits are any indication. It ain't pretty, people.

Even though I can't ignore what this body of mine is doing, I'm staying focused on the completion of this.  Something I've come to understand is that we are conditioned to be devastated by a breast cancer diagnosis, from our medical care providers to family and friends' reactions.  But it doesn't have to go that way, and I personally I reject that. It takes too much energy, to be honest, and there's no upside to that kind of mindset. Do I feel like crap these days? Yes. Do I worry about it coming back someday? Nope. Waste of thought, waste of time. Just dig in and do everything possible and medically available to be healthy.  I don't control this. But It doesn't control me either.

In the meantime, I'm happily distracted by all things silly and stupid-funny.  Many years ago when I was expecting my first baby, I took a picture with my Dad, big-belly-to-big-belly.  In the same flavor, here's a picture of my brother Barry and me, scalp-to-scalp, baldie to baldie. Fashionistas out there - who wore it better? Sorry Barry, that your hair won't be growing back anytime soon!

I sent the picture of Barry and me out to my family last week so we could all have a laugh.  I mean, it's friggin' funny right? I thought so? It never occurred to me that it might NOT make everyone laugh.  My other brother, Chip, took it kind of hard.  In hindsight, I understand now that seeing me that way must have made this cancer thing more real for him. We're only 18 months apart in age. Grew up fighting like typical siblings. And even as adults we've had some spats. (He can still be a brat sometimes. It's never me, always him. Haha) About two hours after sending out the above picture, Chip sent me this one back, with this message:

So, the picture brought me to tears....I was a little inconsolable/uncontrollable tonight...I know we haven't (always) been on the best of terms, but you are still my sister and I care for you more than you know.

I was stunned - he shaved his head! For ME! WHAAAAT?! What a crazy thing to do!  He's alright, that Chippah, he's alright.  And Chip, thanks. Your pic and message made ME cry. Now I know that even though you hate me sometimes, you really just love me :)  It took cancer to get there, but you can be sure I'll count this as one of the big plusses to the condition.

Next day, he and my sister Maureen picked me up to take me to my treatment.  It's the first week I didn't fall asleep - I didn't want to miss anything! It was a comedy show all day long.  Between hearing Maureen's conspiracy theories of our "hidden" German ancestry, and a family group text in real time about a long lost cuckoo clock, to Chip playing a junior high school joke on Maureen in which she was tricked into calling herself a penis* several times in public, we laughed until we cried. Who knew chemo could be so much fun?

*Say 'I", then spell the word "map", then say "ness"*.  Maturity and decorum can be over-rated :)